AUNTIE’S LAST VISIT

Auntie was lying in a bed in the intensive care unit. Her eyes were closed. She was sleeping. There was oxygen mask covering her nose and mouth to help her breathing. Wires were here and there covering her body. Equipments were put beside her bed. Her breath was heavy as if there were big stones on her chest.

I was walking close to her bed. Her room was quiet. The very sounds came from equipments that were put in every side of the patients lying in the room. Sadly, seeing the scene in front of me, I tried to speak to her: “Auntie, this is Anna, coming to see you. Can you hear me?”. I whispered in her right ear while my cousin was staring at her face from her left side. “Auntie, please open your eyes, this is Anna, coming here to see you!”. I tried to talk to her once again.

Weakly, she tried to open her eyes. She looked at me, tried to say something but could not manage. Then she closed her eyes again, and fell asleep due to the medicine administered through her vein.

My cousin called me this morning informing that her mom fell from the bed. She could not walk or talk, just tears emerged from her eyes. Rushingly, she was run to a hospital near her house. It was October 10, 2007. The doctor who examined her said that she got a stroke.

A week before, it was October 1, 2007, Auntie came to visit us. Auntie is the elder sister of my mom. She usually visited us after she had a routine check. She was 82 at that time. That day, she insisted to visit us although it was already late in the afternoon. She said that today was my day off from work so she had to come to meet me. My mom and I had already had our lunch when she came. I offered her some meals for lunch but she refused. However she took some cookies that I offered to her and she looked very happy. Then my mom and Auntie had their conversations while I continued finishing the chores. Unlike her previous visits, on that day’s visit she spent more than two hours. When my cousin dropped by to pick her up, she promised me to come again the next Saturday and promised to cook my favorite food. Saturday morning, before I left for work. She called me apologizing for not coming to visit mom and bringing my favorite food she promised to cook. And this morning, my cousin called to shock me that Auntie was sent to hospital.

My sister and I visited her frequently in the days of her miserable treatments in the hospital. I have close relationship with Auntie. She is very special for me. Just as special as my mom. She becomes my second mom. And her children confirm that too. Whenever I visited Auntie in the hospital, my cousin would introduce me to other relatives as the “youngest and dearest” daughter of Auntie.

When I was a child, mom often brought me to Auntie’s home. I loved visiting her because she had a small shop and I liked to help her greet the buyers or find things for them. Auntie also liked cooking. And her cooking was delicious. I loved them. She cared for me so much, as much as her care to my mom, her sister. When I had problems and my mom could not find the best answer for me, the final solution would be my Auntie. Even when she could not give me the best solution, for me, sharing with her was just enough.

Now, she was just lying in her bed, could not talk, could not move her body, just sometimes opened her eyes. On the 8th day of her sickness, she opened her eyes more widely and longer than usual. So, I could talk to her longer. She even was moved into an intermediate care unit that was not as isolated as in the intensive care unit room. I told her about mom. I told her about my naughty cat. I told her about how I missed my favorite food that she promised to cook it for me. She smiled at me, stared at me. She tried to say something but could not. Then after tiring to try everything but she could not, she was crying and fell asleep. Auntie, Auntie, why should it be happening to you? I just could not believe it. A week before, you looked so well, very very well. Even on Saturday morning, when you called me, you fell very fine…..

I kept visiting her but there was no significant progress, worse, if I could say. Her temperature was rather high. She could not stay calm. She fell upset. I came home sadly this afternoon, figuring her condition in my mind. My thought was filled with my auntie’s condition; her pain, her upset feeling, her annoyance, her discomfort. All those feeling were expressed in her face.

That night, I fell asleep thinking of her, praying for her. And I was so surprised that auntie was coming to visit us as usual. She was not sick anymore. She was fine and smiling at me. I greeted her. “Hi Auntie, how could you come here? You are supposed to be in the hospital, right? But you are already fine, Auntie… I am glad to see you are fine..” But Auntie did not speak any words. She was just smiling. Then she faded. Auntie faded… Auntie?? …. Auntie?? …. I woke up. It was about three o’clock in the morning. It was just a dream.

At six o’clock that morning, I got up from bed and did the chores, prepared for work. Suddenly, the phone rang. I caught the phone and spoke with the caller. It was my cousin. With deep grief and holding the tears, she told me that Auntie passed away at 5 o’clock that morning. My mouth was blocked. I could not believe this. It was October 17th, 2008. My cousin told me that last night; Auntie had bad bleeding through her nose and mouth. Her temperature was high. Then she was unconscious until her soul left her body. I told my cousin that I dreamt of her. My cousin said it was because Auntie loved me so much that she would like to say good bye and see me for the last time. I did not know whether it was true or not but at that time, I could feel that Auntie was really there, coming to see me, in my room. But now, the reality is hard for me. I lost m Auntie. I can not chat with her, I can not taste her delicious cook…

It has been 40 days since Auntie left us. I still miss her, mourn for her. And today, my cousin dropp by in my office to give me a pair of sandals. She told me that actually Auntie would like to bring the sandals on the last day she visited me, but unfortunately she forgot where she kept them. When Auntie’s servant cleaned Auntie’s stuff then she found the sandals and told my cousin that the sandals should be given to me. Besides, Auntie also kept a box of body powder and some packs of mint candies that my mom usually bought from her small store. The last gifts were packed in a beautiful gift pack by my cousin. Tears dropped from my eyes. I hugged my cousin and cried. My cousin said, “If you have something to share, just share with me, talk with me as you always talk to my mom.” We both cried but we fell that Auntie’s love bound us tightly.

TANTE, SAMPAI BERTEMU LAGI

Sudah sejak tanggal 7 Oktober hingga 16 Oktober aku sering bolak-balik ke rumah sakit. Kadang tiap hari aku mengunjunginya. Jika aku capek sekali, aku lewatkan sehari tidak mengunjunginya dengan sedikit kecewa karena sebenarnya aku ingin sekali bersamanya. Khususnya di saat-saat ia sudah mulai sedikit membuka mata. Kakak perempuan mamaku, tanteku, sudah sekian hari terbaring di ICU kemudian dipindahkan ke IMC (Intermediate Care). Tekanan darah dan gula darah yang sangat tinggi membuatnya koma beberapa hari. Ini hari kesembilannya terbaring di IMC tanpa ada perubahan yang berarti.

Kemarin (15 Oktober), aku menengoknya dan ia membuka mata cukup lama dan aku bisa berbincang banyak dengannya. Tidak ada respons kata-kata darinya. Hanya ekspresi bibir dan air mata yang dapat kulihat. Dia tersenyum jika aku bercerita hal-hal yang lucu kepadanya. Dia menangis jika kuceritakan tentang mamaku. Dia dan mamaku sangat dekat dan dari semua saudara mereka hanya mereka berdua saja yang masih tinggal di dunia ini. Kesemua kakak dan adik mereka yang lain telah dipanggil Tuhan. Setelah itu kondisinya tiba-tiba memburuk, ia mengalami bleeding. Keesokan harinya setelah semalam bleeding, ia tampak lelah dan lemah. Aku datang mengunjunginya, mencoba mengajaknya bercerita tetapi ia tampak ingin tidur. Nafasnya tampak lebih berat. Sebelum aku pulang keadaannya lebih buruk karena ia bernafas melalui perut dan sangat tersiksa.

Malam itu aku capek sekali. Beberapa hari mengunjunginya walau hanya satu atau satu setengah jam sudah cukup membuatku lelah. Bukan hanya lelah secara fisik tetapi emosi. Bagaimanapun ia tidak pernah sakit separah ini sebelumnya. Sejak kecil aku dekat dengannya dan dengan anak-anaknya. Sepulang sekolah aku biasa mampir ke rumahnya. Rumahnya dan anak-anaknya menjadi rumah dan keluargaku yang kedua. Ia menjadi second mother untukku. Itulah mengapa emosiku juga ikut terkuras setiap kali aku mengunjunginya.

Pagi 17 Oktober, aku memulai hariku dengan agak berat. Sedikit kecewa karena hari libur sudah habis dan aku tidak bisa berlama-lama ke rumah sakit jika aku ingin bersamanya. Tiba-tiba HP-ku berbunyi. Kakak sepupuku dengan terbata-bata memberitahuku bahwa tante sudah meninggal. Walaupun sudah tahu kondisinya separah itu namun tak urung berita itu juga mengejutkanku. Sangat kehilangan. Itulah ungkapan yang bisa mewakili perasaanku. Aku tidak tahu bagaimana nantinya aku bisa menata perasaan kehilangan itu. Yang pasti setelah empat hari berlalu, aku masih merasa bahwa kehilanganku masih amat dalam.

Memikirkan ulang bagaimana aku mendampinginya walau hanya beberapa saat membuatku berpikir beberapa hal:

Pertama, ketika kita mendampingi seseorang yang sedang sakit parah, kita harus benar-benar memikirkan apa yang akan kita katakan kepada penderita. Biasanya genggaman tangan tanpa banyak bicara adalah sesuatu yang lebih menguatkan penderita. Kata-kata yang terlalu berlebihan mungkin akan membuat penderita bertambah sedih atau terluka jika tidak tepat. Jika penderita membutuhkan kata-kata, usahakan agar kita tidak membuatnya semakin terbenam dalam kesakitannya. Buatlah sejenak ia ”keluar” dari sakitnya agar ia tidak memikirkan dirinya sendiri dan sakitnya sehingga akan membuatnya semakin mengasihani dirinya sendiri. Hal ini bisa dilakukan dengan menceritakan peristiwa-peristiwa di luar dirinya. Misalkan, ceritakan tentang bagaimana kegiatan kita hari itu. Ceritakan tentang orang-orang yang ia kenal atau ceritakan cerita-cerita humor padanya. Dengan cara demikian kita sudah berempati sekaligus membuatnya tidak terpuruk dalam rasa sakitnya.

Kedua, jangan lupakan keluarga penderita. Tunjukkan empati dan perhatian kita kepada keluarganya. Bagaimanapun, mendampingi penderita sepanjang hari bukan sesuatu yang mudah dan itu sungguh sangat melelahkan. Perhatian kita kepada keluarga yang mendampingi penderita juga akan menguatkan serta menghibur bukan saja keluarga yang bersangkutan tetapi juga penderita sendiri. Berbicaralah dengan mereka. Bertanyalah jika mungkin ada hal-hal yang dapat kita lakukan untuk membantu mereka. Jika kita mampu menganalisa dengan cepat kebutuhan mereka melalui cerita mereka, kita dapat membawakan apa yang mereka butuhkan secepatnya. Hal ini bisa saja dalam bentuk buku-buku bacaan, mungkin radio atau kebutuhan kunjungan rohaniwan.

Satu hal penting yang ingin saya bagikan adalah melalui peristiwa ini saya benar-benar mengalami bahwa waktu bukan milik kita. Seringkali kita harus berlomba dengan waktu agar tidak terlambat. Sepanjang relasi saya dengan tante memang tidak ada hal-hal yang harus disesalkan, kecuali saya belum bisa memenuhi keinginannya untuk membuatkan masakan kesukaan saya karena saya belum sempat mengirimkan salah satu bahan yang dia butuhkan untuk membuat masakan tersebut. Menurut cerita sepupu saya, tante sudah menyiapkan bahan-bahan yang lain kecuali satu bahan yang ia minta dari saya dan belum sempat saya kirimkan kepadanya. Dan keinginan itu tidak pernah terpenuhi hingga akhir hidupnya. Saya kemudian berjanji pada diri saya bahwa jika waktu kehidupan masih dianugerahkan kepada saya, saya ingin benar-benar memanfaatkannya agar saya tidak dikalahkan oleh waktu itu sendiri dengan cara menyia-yiakannya. Semoga Ia, Sang Pemilik waktu itu, menolong saya.

20 Oktober 2007